Welcome to GAN?

Welcome to Going Anywhere Nice? – a travel blog/magazine (blamazine? mog?). We aim bring you all the travel news that’s not fit to print, to venture into the murky corners of the industry where the mainstream media fears to tread, not without a healthy blob of hand sanitizer, that is. Stay tuned for breaking news, columnists, features, opinion and enough travel to fill…well, one of those really big travel journals.

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(GAN? is produced by Shandypockets – suppliers of travel copy across the industry. Click here, or email goinganywherenice (at) gmail (dot) com for more details).

Dubai announces ‘oxygen-less’ hotel

Following the successes of ice hotels and underwater hotels, Dubai – the Bluewater of the Middle East – has announced its plans to open a property entirely devoid of any form of breathable atmospheric gasses.

The Vacu’um Hotel will be sealed in its own hermetic bubble in an as-yet-undisclosed location somewhere in the oil-drunk emirate. The property will welcome a diverse range of guests, from billionaire Russian oligarchs to the young girlfriends of  billionaire Russian oligarchs.

A spokesman for the conglomerate of property developers behind the hotel said that it would be a revolutionary step in hospitality. “We have moved beyond the facile travails of chilblains from ice beds or being needlessly underwater,” said the source. “Dubai does not take second place in any arena. We want the biggest, the tallest, and yes, the most inconvenient accommodation options in the world.”

It’s proposed that on check-in, guests will receive oxygen tanks, which will be strapped to their backs to allow them to enjoy the hotel’s airless facilities. Vacu’um will employ ‘respiration concierges’ to assist guests with their apparatus.

Guests will even be able to breath through scented oxygen tanks, choosing from menus including such odours as ‘vanilla daydream’, ‘pomegranate sauna’ and ‘Claudia Winkleman’.

UK representation is rumoured to be Trouser Chimp PR.

(image by Michael Foley, under Creative Commons)

Tales of the Press Trip

An occasional feature whereby – with complete anonymity – we regale you with stories of life on assignment.

A cautionary tale, this week, of an appetite that went unappeased, of misplaced displeasure and untrying circumstances…

Picture if you will the idyllic surrounds of a tropical destination. Our fair press group are to be transferred from one luxury hotel to another, over the warm, welcoming ocean waters. To the excitement of most of the group, the means of transport is to be a speedboat, and for the best part of an hour we would glide glamorously along the waves, our collective James Bond fantasies at once assuaged.

After thirty or so blissfull minutes, our faces glowing with evening sun and salty breeze, the captain offers a selection of soft drinks to the passengers. Water, Fanta and Diet Coke are all taken and sipped in a heady daze of privilege and contentment, and we sit back and give silently smiley thanks for this incredible experience.

A lone, middle-aged male soul, though, was voicing some displeasure.

“I don’t mean to be picky, but do you have any Sprite?”

The captain looked nonplussed, but the questioner was insistent. “Could you please just check the cooler and see if you have any cans or bottles of Sprite?” But the more the captain looked, the more the Sprite wasn’t there.

Now, with increased hysteria. “Why wouldn’t you have Sprite? Honestly, that’s what you’re telling me? You have all these other drinks, but you don’t have Sprite! It’s like a joke! No, I don’t want anything else! I WANT SPRITE!”

Behind the man, the scarlet and violets of the sun melted away behind limestone cliffs, the sky afire with colour, the ocean a kaleidoscope of beauty. But a thirst remained unquenched. “Look, I suggest in future you stock up with a FULL RANGE of soft drinks. Some people want Sprite!” he was adding, perhaps unnecessarily.  The captain nodded humbly.

The group sat silently, taking in the glorious end of day, almost overwhelmed at watching the tropical sunset from the decadence of a speedboat. One man sat silently too, oblivious to the natural splendour, but thinking about the carbonated lemon and lime drink that would surely be his within a matter of 20 minutes or so.

Last week’s Tale of the Press Trip

Fenwick Mahler: So you want to be a travel writer?

Part 2: First Steps

Travel journalism. Admit it. It sends a globe-shaped shiver down your spine. It’s the promise of glamour, the lure of the high life, and a calling rich with tradition.

There have been some true journalistic titans in this business, and that’s for damn sure as hiccups. For the first-timer Johnny, it’s not easy to stand up under the obsidian weight of sheer professional expectation. Look at the names. But not for too long, or you’ll soil yourself scared. Behold the roll call of greatness. Paul Theroux. Jan Morris. Jamie Theakston.

Daunting, isn’t it?

Of course, you have to remember that it’s not all lying around the pool, chugging free cocktails and all the a la carte breakfasts you can snort. Don’t be stupid. Sometimes it’s a buffet.

How does your career as a travel writer begin? That’s right, with the pitch.

NO! That’s wrong! What are you thinking? See, already your expectations are confounded. maybe you should think about an alternative life path.

It begins with: the idea. Without an idea, a pitch is just a series of unconnected words, buzzing about an editor’s inbox like a crazed bluebottle. And no editor – with the possible exception of those with brutally low budgets – is going to employ a crazed bluebottle.

You want a story idea that intrigues your editor. “What I did in Paris.” “Prague: city of contrasts.” “Shopping in Fez.” Utter dross. Don’t make me laugh.

Don’t be lazy. Do you think I was being lazy when I successfully pitched “Melodic Sands: A journey to the least accessible music venues of the Kalahari”? Because I wasn’t.

People – lesser people, those who haven’t been published in domestic airline inflight magazines in Syria – ask me where I get my ideas. I tell them there is no easy answer, but the simple answer is: my brain. And that’s my advice to you, young, inexperienced would-be scribe. Use your thinking brain to come up with an idea. Obvious? Perhaps. Self evident? Maybe. Common sense? Possibly. But isn’t it the fishermen of the Andaman that say “the brightest pearls are sometimes to be found in the most conspicuous oysters”?

Fare thee well, fellow traveller. Until next time. Stay safe. And stay global.

Previously on So you want to be a travel writer?

(Image used under Creative Commons, copyright massdistraction)

Stop press: Celeb has “really nice” time at tropical resort.

In a move that is already sending shockwaves through the travel industry, an as-yet-unnamed Sunday travel section is to publish the inspirational travelogue of an adventurous failed-pop-star-turned-actress.

Forced by her agent to endure ten days in the Seychelles in a five-star resort with only her boyfriend for company, minor soap opera nymphette Vicky Spangle gives a no-holds-barred report of her time on the island.

Her vivid account of the intrepid free junket conjures up breathtaking imagery from the very beginning, her first impressions of “golden sands” and “crystal clear waters” searing intense scenes onto the readers’ mind’s eyes.

The wonderment continues apace, as later the couple enjoy an afternoon “chilling by the pool” before an evening meal that is concisely described as “exotic”.  An intoxicating insight into the workings of the resort spa follow the next day, with a treatment that apparently rendered Spangle “completely relaxed”.

The piece concludes with a barrage of seductive prose that includes the “lush” surrounding vegetation, the “attentive and friendly” resort staff and the opinion that there “is nothing like watching the sun set from the beach while drinking a fruity cocktail.”

Spangle summarises her time at the resort as “really nice”, adding that she “wished she could go back.”  Further gripping commissions are fully expected.

(image via Flickr by Indenture, under Creative Commons)

Trends: Azores still await the heat

Despite being named as a “travel hotspot” in every poll prediction since 1956, the tiny Azores are still waiting to welcome the massive influx of tourists that such reports traditionally herald.

The anonymous volcanic archipelago – apparently part of Portugal – have made the list of ‘places to watch’ in numerous expert and industry polls for over 50 years, sparking headlines warning people to visit before the destination became completely overrun, memorably “Don’t be Azores loser!” and “Azores, Azores, my kingdom for Azores!”

Despite widespread press coverage and confident promotional campaigns, the local tourist board reports that business has been steady to middling for half a century. Meanwhile, the islands stand permanently poised, and are thought to be taking in their stride rumours that they will be named “Most Amazing Undiscovered Destination Ever, 2012″ by a major industry body.

Judith Chalmers to be granted UNESCO World Heritage Site status

Having spent most of the 1970s and 80s presenting to camera in a coral bikini, platinum-haired travel-oracle Judith Chalmers has finally been recognised by UNESCO, and will be the latest addition to the elite arena of the world’s most awe-inspiring attractions and phenomena: the World Heritage Site list.

Among UNESCO’s usual criteria  for World Heritage Sites, Chalmers hit some of the highest marks possible in the following categories: “a masterpiece of human creative genius”, “an important interchange of human values, over a span of time” and not least, “a significant ongoing ecological and biological process”.

Chalmers presented the popular travel show Wish You Were Here…? for some 29 years from 1974, appearing in fluorescent swimwear in some of the most dangerous package holiday destinations in Mediterranean Europe.

UNESCO hope that tourists will flock to Judith Chalmers, perhaps as part of a tour of World Heritage Sites. Other newly added sites include the Ancient Villages of Northern Syria, the Citadel of the Ho Dynasty and an Indian B&B once patronised by Max Gogarty.

Trends: ‘Homeless’ holidays next as economy flounders

Forget ‘glamping’ and ‘staycations’. Literally forget them, because according to the latest forecasts, cash-strapped Britons will find even these flimsy concepts impossible to afford as economapocalypse continues to bite.

PR company Trouser Chimp predict that the next big fashion in budget travel will be the rise of ‘homeless holidaying’. Already dubbed ‘hobo-lidaying’ or ‘vagra-tions’ by the bloggerati, it’s predicted that some 53% of UK holidaymakers will content themselves with wandering down country lanes, picking berries and sleeping in hedgerows.

Toby St Helen, Account Director for Trouser Chimp said,” We see it very much as a return to the simpler pleasures for British families. Our country’s hedgerows and cobbled lanes are a much-loved part of our heritage, and people hobo-lidaying are really getting back to that pastoral, bucolic idyll. We are promoting some very affordable packages from our operators for next year.”

The cost cutting does seem to cut back on factors such as shelter, warmth and safety, but St Helen is unperturbed. “Why be tied down to the tyranny of staying in an actual building?”, he said. “Our operators are offering freedom, authenticity and the chance for kids to engage with real live brambles. Bracken is also going to be very hot next year.”

Celebrity faces are being lined up to front a major advertising campaign, with Gok Wan, Linda Nolan and the 14th Marquis of Tweedale all believed to be in the running.

Fenwick Mahler: So you want to be a travel writer?

Every week, the esteemed planet-botherer and self-proclaimed “globo-scribe” Fenwick Mahler imparts salty droplets of his hard-earned wisdom to help aspiring travel writers. Guest poster Mahler has been published in some of the world’s most obscure journals, and instantly checks out of any hotel that doesn’t offer ‘tribal’ cuisine in its restaurant. Here, he speaks of the benefit of ploughing your own furrow in an increasingly-crowded market.

Over the coming weeks, Mahler will be offering life lessons to anyone who would fancy themselves an exponent of that most esteemed of all professions: that of the travel writer.

1. Standing out

Hello, fellow Earth humans. People often ask me how they can tread the same path that I do, reporting from the most desolate corners of the earth for very little financial reward. This is what I tell them.

By far the most important part of travel writing is getting your picture byline or headshot right. Now, you’ll want to distinguish yourself from the all the other writing Johnnies, and there’s no better way to do this than by having a promotional photograph of yourself taken with you standing next to a huge globe. The bigger the better. I can’t stress this enough. This makes it clear that you mean business. Global business.

Any editor forced to look at this via an unsolicited email or ten-page document outlining your suitability as a correspondent (see future lesson: “Pitching”) will be under no illusions about the message: “Specialist subject: THE EARTH”.

An antique globe in a national library or other respectable thinkery is best, though at a push, a luminous inflatable one will get the message across, though if this is the case, don’t blame me if your first assignments are filed from the confines of various all-inclusive resorts in the less salubrious outposts of the Med.

If this proves too tricky to organise, simply have your photograph taken whilst sporting some kind of exotic accessory – an explorer’s hat, giant compass or some kind of tribal knickknack works a treat, and imparts the same sense of authority.

In short, it immediately singles you out as someone who completely understands and empathises with the  diverse cultures to be found in even the most PR-starved regions of the sub-Sahara, for instance.

I leave you with my current self-portrait, taken as I held forth with my big wooden spoon to the aboriginal elders in a far-flung organic yurt. Look and learn, my fellow journeyers. What does it say to you? It says ‘a man of the world’, ‘a man of the (indigenous) people’, a TRAVELLER.

Until next time. Stay safe. And stay global.

(Images used under Creative Commons, copyright massdistraction)

Travelmouth: Saving the Earth, one facecloth at a time

If you’re like GAN, within five minutes of checking into any hotel room, you’ve exploited all of its natural resources. The TV is on, expensive jars of peanuts have been cracked open, the trouser press is already on its third set of suit pants, etc. That’s the joy of hotels; you can live your life with operational impunity, knowing that you’ve paid someone else to find the tossed-aside remote control, clean up the peanut debris and put out the electrical fire that the fire crew believe started from an overheated trouser press.

Hotels know this.

And so it’s nice that they at least try and reign in our most excessive instincts. Just in case we were considering using three different-sized towels just to have a shave, they have those little green signs: “SAVE OUR PLANET. Every day, millions of gallons of water are wasted washing towels that have only been used once. A towel on the rack means ‘I will use again’. A towel on the floor means ‘Please replace’.”

We at GAN are all for this, not least because instead of draping it over the in-room DVD player or hanging it from the light fitting, actually deciding to put a towel back on the rack makes us feel as though we are helping the world on an ‘organising Live Aid’ scale. “Yes,” we think, as we place a slightly damp towel in its right, civilised place, “We have helped someone here today.”

Of course, most guests of hotels have travelled thousands of miles to get there on all manner of carbon-spewing transport, leave all the lights on in their rooms the whole time and are probably there in the first place for a meeting to plan turning the world’s parks into Grand Prix motor racing venues and branches of Nandos. So while we applaud the sentiment, we’re just not sure that reusing our facecloth is actually making us the ecological Titans we like to pretend we are.

(Image via Creative Commons, by Infrogmation)